spaceholder for growth and pleasure

I come from a lineage of mystical women.

And from a current life full of competition, self-denial and people pleasing.

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As a child I still felt completly connected to this earth and her spirits. To each creature and being. It felt right to talk to spirits, animals and entities. To just sit and observe, relax and feel in total harmony with myself.

 

Until I learned that past lifes don't exist, that animals don't understand my words and that not only my perception of this magical world is wrong but also big parts of myself. The fear and uncanniness people felt when I "just was myself" made me scared of myself too.

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Thats when I learned to hide my connection to the mystical world and life itself. I learned to function. As an athlete, a people pleaser, a dedicated law student and an "easy-to-be-with" girlfriend.

 

I disconnected from my body and voice. Had a huge fear of beeing too loud. Taking up too much space (gaining weight, singing, voicing my unfiltered perception of this world,...).

I disconnected from my intuition and allowed other peoples opinions to determin weather i am right or wrong. Good or bad. Enough or a failiure.

 

I restriced my diet. Pushed myself to 25 km long runs every damn morning, no matter if i had to write an exam 3 hours later or if i had a fever. My body became something my mind had to have control over.

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I experienced life as something that has to be done (with success), not something that just is (pure beauty).

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Luckily this wild soul that had been so present in my early childhood always sneeked its way back into this restricted, controlled life. And looking back I realize that most of my teenage years and early adulthood was shaped by the duality of societal constrains and the lingering glimmer of my true self.

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• Like always feeling a deep desire for all kinds of movement and dance as an opportunity to express my true self, but at the same time being restricted by dancing other peoples choreography or later limiting myself by my own.

• Like always choosing sports which had a huge amount of outdoor-time in untouched magical places like long distance running, mountaineering and rockclimbing, but at the same time needed an even bigger amount of scalable success and ambition.

• Like choosing law as my profession because of my desire to understand societys values, but at the same time being drawn there because of its reputation and hardship.

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It wasn't until my late 20s that I discovered tantric yoga. But when I did it totally speed up that process of ultimatly releasing all those limiting layers. Since then i am growing back into my true nature. I have learned - and still am learning - to take up space. To allow myself to be the crazy one. The true magical being I simply am.​